My Ruptured Brain Aneurysm Experience: From A Spouse’s Point of View Part 3
3/4 Emails that my husband sent to me while I was in the hospital for a ruptured brain aneurysm.
Ok so it’s Saturday and progress is coming along. You walked a bit in the halls with a walker but you are still in a lot of pain and in and out of consciousness which is breaking my heart. I often think to myself why this happened… I’ve asked the medical staff how something like this can happen and they said it’s really a freak kind of thing if there is no family history to go with this. It’s not fair though, I’m the unhealthy one that should have medical conditions and not you. This experience has put a lot of things in perspective for me. I feel bad pushing back on traveling when you wanted to… as long as Covid isn’t a thing I promise things will change and we will live life more for today. I’ve also been thinking about photos, geez I should probably take more. I’ve been thinking if I should be taking pictures of you or video of the progress but it seems a bit distasteful to me so I’ve refrained from doing so. Planning for what is coming up has been difficult, it really puts into perspective everything you do for the family.
Back to the story… since I’m having a hard time putting things in the right order so writing this all out is very helpful for me too.
So I got back home at around 8 and as I mentioned your parents already left earlier in the day and when I walked in your sister and David were in the living room on their phones by themselves while your brother was upstairs with the kids. Because the kids were upstairs and didn’t know I was home I thought it would be a good idea to put the kids car seats in the car since I would be giving it to my brother tomorrow. I got Max’s bag ready and your family was on their way. After your family left, it was me and the kids alone in the house, felt so fucking bizarre. Both kids seemed kinda loopy from playing around all day and not getting a good nap. I put the kids down without too many issues because they were so tired which was great because I was dead tired but there was still a lot for me to do to get things ready for the next morning. I didn’t get a response from my Linkedin request to your bosses so I decided to unlock your phone and text them to confirm I was talking to the right people but would communicate with them on my phone after. I got ahold of Dave and I let him know what was going on. I couldn’t control my emotions and I was crying a bit. I spent the rest of the night getting the kids bags ready, bottles, etc and luckily since you packed them for Paso Robles a lot of it was taken care of. I also had to pack my stuff separately in a duffle because even though my brother and I agreed for me to sleep at his house I wanted to keep a separate duffel in case I would need to sleep with you at the hospital. I strongly debated where to sleep that night, I didn’t want to sleep in our bed because it felt weird and wrong but I felt like that was actually the best place to in case I got an emergency call. I cried myself to sleep that night after prayer.
Wow finally day 2…
So I woke up and did my normal routine like showering and stuff. The kids were really out quite a bit. It was around 830am and I really wanted to get to you so I went in Oliver’s room to slowly start getting him up. He said he wasn’t feeling good and he said his stomach was in a lot of pain. I’d never seen him in pain like that and started freaking out because I started thinking that I would have to take him to the ER. I got him clothes and asked him to change but he laid on the floor and said he couldn’t move. I asked him if he had to poo and he said no. He actually fell back sleep on the floor so I put blankets on him and let him rest more. I texted your family to see if he hurt his stomach or ate something bad or had too many sweets. Oliver eventually got up and went to pee but when he tried to brush his teeth he started complaining about his stomach again and was lying on the bathroom floor. At this point Lily woke up and she was asking for you. I tried hard not to cry and tried to focus on getting her ready but it was really hard to control so I was sobbing a bit while I held her and told her I was sorry mommy wasn’t there. I think she may have thought she got in trouble so she walked downstairs by the couches and laid on the floor to hide and when I found her she started crying a lot. So I eventually got both kids dressed and fed while trying to juggle all the morning get ready things like getting their sleep stuff for my brother’s house and their toothbrushes.
Drop off was generally ok. Lily was a bit clingy as expected because she had to get comfortable but it wasn’t too bad.
I rushed over to you as soon as I could. When I came in to see you I started crying again a lot. You had your breathing tube out and were breathing ok so I didn’t know if I was crying from being happy or sad. Probably mostly sad. You were super lethargic but you could kind of say one word. The nurses would ask your name, age, what month it is, etc and you would respond well. One of the nurses asked you who I was and you said “Danny” and you guessed it, I cried like a baby. I sat beside your bed and at one point you saw me, I could feel you squeeze my hand, I told you that I love you and you rolled over to me and tried to say I love you but it came out garbled. That also made me cry a lot. My brother and Dona were the first ones to send you a get well video and when Dona said bye at the end you raised your hand to try to say bye. I knew you were in there and were just so loopy you couldn’t respond the right way. You saw a video of Oliver and smiled.
When I saw the doctor in the morning he said there was a concern because the blood from your head was more than what he would have liked and he was going to do a cat scan at around noon to make sure it wasn’t excessive in the brain otherwise he would have to consider additional surgery. That freaked me out quite a bit and led me to cry more. During your cat scan I had Taco Bell across the street and would eat in the car. The filling in both of my chalupas fell out. I can’t wait to eat Taco Bell with you again. Anyways, I came back and was eagerly looking for the doctor for the update, asking nurses and all that but he was nowhere to be found. The nurse that afternoon kinda seemed like a bitch and I don’t think she actually looked for him even when I told her the reason why. The night shift nurse was great though but she told me when she called his line someone else picked up so he probably went home and that made me super mad. She read me his notes and said that it seemed like everything was ok though so that was good.
Earlier in the day your parents had asked to come but I told them that they couldn’t because of Covid so they asked if they could do a video call with you. At one point you were awake enough that I think you could have done it so I texted them but you fell asleep like 10 minutes later. They texted me back after you were asleep and I told them that it was too late. I texted your whole family to have David set up video chat on their phone and told everyone to respond quickly when I say something because the windows with you are super short. There wasn’t a good enough window that presented itself the rest of the day but I think ultimately it was for the best because I realized that you hadn’t looked in a mirror so I didn’t want you to get freaked out about your hair over a video call. I stayed with you until about 7 pm. You were very tired and you did very well overall. So happy you were off life support. I had to go home because I was worried about the kids and my brother having to deal with putting down Lily because she was a bit of a problem for nap. When I got to my brothers I felt really drained. The kids were happy to see me but of course they asked for you. It’s good though that they had the distraction of the girls. They had some thanksgiving leftovers for me but honestly I had no appetite. I was able to play with the kids for just a bit and it was time to put everyone to bed. My brother hoped that Icould sleep in the downstairs room alone but I pretty much knew that wasn’t going to happen so I just said I would sleep in the same room as Lillian in Sammy’s room. That surprisingly worked out really well. At some point though she started hating her baby toy and fell in love with a Boo the dog toy. She actually tried to climb in the pack and play which surprised me. We slept fine that night other than me checking my phone like every thirty minutes to see if I missed a call from the hospital.
Black Friday!
So I think Lily woke me up at around 7. We went down and pretty much all the kids followed not too long after. The morning was fine and I grabbed stuff to plan to stop by home because I was expecting a package so I also took whatever dirty clothes me and the kids had. When I got to the room to see you, you were sitting on a chair. Wow. The occupational therapist was there and he told me I missed the show of you walking and brushing your teeth. Wow! When you talked to me it was so much clearer and you were able to pretty much string sentences together. I cried horribly again overall because I was so happy you were making progress. I told the nurse at the time I was still hoping to talk to the doctor since I never got the follow up from the day before and I believe this nurse was actually helping me to get his attention. Apparently she said he responded to an email about me trying to get his attention by saying something like “I already talked to him yesterday”. Made me mad when she told me that. So he eventually did come to see me and he pretty much told me the same thing the nurse the prior night told me that you would stay the course because the cat scan looked ok. Oh yeah I need to explain the reasoning behind the amount of blood. So they put a stent in your head but by doing so they needed to give you blood thinners so it doesn’t clot up and everything can flow well around the stent. Because of that though it obviously makes you bleed easy so that is why there was a lot of blood that brought a concern.
I asked Jasmine to send over videos because you responded to the one my brother sent and she went to work. You watched them and reacted to them but your energy was so low it was hard to get much from you. But the fact that you responded was a huge sign.
You constantly said you were in so much pain, that your neck, back, and butt hurts so I tried to massage you as much as I could. I think my thumb is going to be super buff. I spent most of the day giving you rubs but letting off when I knew you were sleeping. I would do some Black Friday shopping while you were sleeping mainly for the kids. I think the day before I got them a trampoline and I got Oliver three pairs of shoes. I probably bought little things here and there too.
I left the hospital at around 730 that night I think. When I got home the kids looked like they were having fun. Lily seemed to open up a bit to the whole family which is good but it wasn’t good enough for her to still expect me to sleep with her that night. Overall that setup is fine because she doesn’t really fight the pack and play but that night she got up at like 4 am and stood up and cried so I immediately picked her up and put her in bed with me. Twin bed with lily while she is sleep kicking my face is not fun.
Saturday morning
Me and the kids got up at around 730. I think I forgot to mention that Oliver was so tired the day before he was really eager to sleep lol. The morning was generally the same as the day before where I got ready and stayed there till the kids ate breakfast and then headed out. This was Dona’s birthday so I asked if they had plans because I didn’t want to be a burden on her birthday but they said they didn’t have plans. They all spent the day at the park and had cake. There are pictures I can show you later. The night before I spoke to my brother about what the plan was for the start of the next week. We agreed that we would stay at my brothers place and I would drop off the kids at school then go to you then my brother would pick up the kids. So that day I planned to go home and pack up stuff for the week and I think a package was being delivered.
So when I got to you they said you walked a bit in the halls which is more great news. Overall you were feeling the same, lots of pain and fatigue. I asked if you remembered much from the day before and you said you didn’t. That’s fine because the doctor said it was expected. I forgot to mention that you would keep repeating the same questions to me because you wouldn’t remember. There was one day you asked how the kids were probably a dozen times. You would also ask about work related things and the Paso Robles trip often. At around noon the dietician came in, whom I met before and she said she needed to run her tests on you. I told her and the nurse staff that you hate fruit but she had to do a test with peaches I think. I couldn’t be in the room during her tests I think because you might spit out food or something. I took this time to go get Taco Bell to eat in the car again and go home to gather things for the week.
On the way home I got a push notification that San Mateo went purple tier for Covid. Fuck… I don’t know if I mentioned it before but a nurse told me a day or two ago that if the county went purple then I wouldn’t be allowed in. I sent that to my brother and I started crying in the car. I was freaking out big time because I didn’t want to leave you alone to deal with this. I hurried as fast as possible to get everything and rushed back to the hospital. I didn’t even know if they would even let me in. I went to the front desk and pretty much pretended I didn’t know if that was the case. Luckily they let me in. I informed family and Jasmine what happened with the Covid thing and everyone was very worried. Things were pretty much the same when I was with you but I told you I might not able to be with you much longer and I was crying like a baby and apologizing to you. The lead nurse eventually came in and told me about the tier and I was begging and pleading with him to let me stay with you but he said it was impossible. He said I had to leave at midnight. Cried a lot more. I asked my brother if he would be ok putting down the kids that night because I didn’t have much time with you before you would be alone and he said it was fine. I stayed with you until 1130pm until you were deep sleeping. Spent the day trying to jog your memory and showing you all the support videos and pictures of our kids. The last time you were up I cried a lot and apologized more, you said it was ok but that made me cry even more. You held my hand and fell asleep.
I grabbed a burger on the way back to my brother’s since I didn’t eat since lunch that day. I didn’t want to step out to eat and lose precious time with you. I was able to sleep in the downstairs room by myself that night which was good. I also made sure that the night I left that you had your phone and my charger so we could talk when possible. I also left your bag there. So Sunday morning felt weird because all I could do is be at my brothers home and worry. At least football could distract me I guess. My brother went to Costco and asked if I could go get his propane refilled. No problem until it was…I had to go to 7 places because everyone was sold out. You video called me while I was out driving so I pulled over immediately and apologized again and it seemed like you were doing even better which was great. So overall we stayed home, played with the kids in the back yard and everyone got to take a nap. I stayed there until 8pm or so, so I could take the kids home and just put them down. Since I couldn’t be with you it didn’t make sense to stay at my brothers and be a burden to them. I had talked to the nurses the night before and asked about how I could stay updated with you and they said I could talk to the nurses whenever but there is a balance obviously and I don’t want to call all the time. So I decided I would call twice a day if I didn’t hear from you and I would also get my call from the doctor. That night the kids went down easy. I had a ton of stuff to unpack that night so I did that and pretty much went to sleep.
